


The cave of the mind's eye

by Peachrot



Category: Half Life, freeman's mind
Genre: Eye Trauma, M/M, PTSD, Yes i wrote another one im sorry i just really like writting them, freemind talks about his abusive mom just a warning, gman kinda talks in freeminds head so, hurt comfort, i just call barney's mind mindney for the sake of the fic, panic attack warning, smoking warning, sorry if its too occ, these assholes love eachtother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:01:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28482804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peachrot/pseuds/Peachrot
Summary: Gordon Freemind was supposed to make the deal. The deal at the end of it all. But for some reason, he was allowed to escape. It's only been 2 weeks since the cascade but it feels like yesterday. And theres always repercussions.
Relationships: Barney Calhoun/Gordon Freeman, Freehoun, buttermind, mindhoun
Comments: 6
Kudos: 56





	The cave of the mind's eye

It was all over.

He had somehow avoided it. 

The man was still in his head- but by some chance or miracle Gordon Freemimd escaped. Whatever deal the wrinkly suit man had offered...he'll never know. But he didn't want to dwell on that, it was already too much to process that he was even alive in the first place. His partner was also intact. He had plenty of bruises...his leg was fucked but everything was still there. Head, shoulders, knees and toes. Liver, intestines, brain and everything in between. Freemind listened to Mindney's slow breathing as he laid on his bare chest, watching it rise and fall slowly. It was peaceful enough, despite the sound of the headcrabs attempting to get through the boarded windows. It was the best you could get at this point. Escapism is important when you're in an alien apocalypse- and mindney was easily his gateway drug at this point. It must've been at least 2am, Freemind was restless as hell. Every thought was racing and crawling up his senses and suffocating him. That mixed with the suit man in his head did not go well together as you'd expect. 

He remembered that he had found some melanin in a nearby abandoned drug store that he threw in the bathroom. It was half a bottle or so. He reluctantly got up from Mindney's chest and dragged his feet to the bathroom and turned on the light. He looked at himself. His hair was ratted and long, he hadn't shaved in awhile. His eye bags were creating a deep cave under his eyes and just made him look even worse. It was all very. Wrong looking. He looked like he was back in juvie in freshman year. Definitely not something he wants to revisit. He ran his hand slowly on his scarred and puffy eye, letting his hand shake over every scar and dent. Once his hand reached the end of his face his breath caught in his throat. He hadn't had a good look at it before, in fact he barley had much time to let it sink in.   
He was half blind.  
His left eye was worse than he thought. It stuck out from the composition of his face. All ugly and deep pink. The skin felt fake and unreal- almost like it wasn't his to begin with. The back of his eye was this deep and sickening red- not like when you're high, more like….infected. He tried to open his eye more, only for the pain to shock him and send him back before he caught himself. He looked down at the sink, panting. He didn't want to move his head. He didn't want to look at himself. He didn't want to look at what he let happen back at black mesa. More like ass mesa. He could remember the turret grazing his eye as he hid behind the wall of sector c. The visions of blood and puss oozing onto the floor filled his brain, the phantom pain in his eye stinging like hell. He tried not to scream- he didn't want to wake his boyfriend. Even worse, he didnt want Mindney to see him like this. He already had, so, so much to worry about. Freemind being a bitch baby is the last thing he needs at this point. 

Swallowing, Freemind straightened himself up and slowly opened his eye. "Just get the fucking pills and get out" he whispered to himself.

"Do it motherfucker."

He couldn't get himself to move. Everything was focused on his fucked eye. He could feel his skin crawl the longer he looked at it.  
That stray bullet could've been avoided.  
He should've avoided it, there was no doubt he had the ability to.  
But it did happen and now he's stuck with this and no way to change it. It could've been good! Everything could've gone smoother but he just had to peek behind the wall a second too late. Now he looks like. That.   
His hands shook as he tried to hold them back, everything trembling. He looked down at the sink again, watching the water leak drip into the drain. Every drip was mocking him. Water is cleaner than blood but why did it sound so similar?

He grabbed the wire metal trash can from by the toilet and threw it at the mirror.

He screamed as the glass flew past his body, along with the vision of his eye. He looked down at all the glass around his feet, unable to say anything. He wanted so badly to scream. Scream just loud enough to deafen the headcrabs outside but all that came out was a deep sob. It was harsh and loud, echoing throughout the bathroom like a reminder that he was still vulnerable. He hadn't cried like this in so long. Even alone. It was always a matter of staying cool, even for himself. The glass shatters painted a mural of his red and tear covered face. This was not a good look.

"This is just a small expenseee doctor freemannn…." 

It echoed in his head.

He stumbled into the old rusty bathtub and curled up, his ugly sobbing turning in scared silence. He slowly dragged his hand over his eye over and over. Each drag stinging more than the last one. It really was….gone. Well not entirely, but what's the point if it makes him sick to look at.

Mindney sprung from bed, the noise from the bathroom sending him awake and into his feet.  
"Gordon?" he asked, turning on the bedroom light. No answer.   
He could feel his stomach twist as he made his way to the bathroom, each step feeling deeper and deeper. It was almost as if the way to the bathroom was getting longer and longer as he got closer to the muffled cries of his boyfriend. He creaked open the door, "B-babe?"

Freemind didn't look up, he kept staring at something- practically unblinking. 

Mindney stood still, waiting for a possible response. There was still nothing. He felt sick, seeing his partner so pale."C...can I touch you..?"

Freemind didn't respond.   
Mindney looked down at the glass and trash on the floor, cringing at the old menstrual pads scattered along with old and rotting food scraps. He tiptoed through the minefield of clutter and stepped into the bathtub. Freemind began to hyperventilate as he held onto his shoulder. Mindney let go, his face shifting into even more worry. 

"Are you....okay?"

Freemind's hyperventilating continued, more tears falling from the corner of his blood red eye and onto his old ween shirt. Mindney slowly reached to cradle his partner's cheek. Freemind's eyes shifted to him, freemind letting out a little whimper. Mindney ran his thumb over freemind's scar, wiping the tears off his face. He looked at him solemnly. He wasn't too sure what was bothering Gordon, it could be a number of things. The man could basically make millions of dollars out of his deep trauma mine. Whatever the hell it was. He didn't want it to hurt him. They were safe now. Away from black mesa and all the horrors it encased. The place was literally nuked, the ghosts can't get into Gordon's mind, mindney definitely won't let them. 

"S-sor.." Freemind tried to speak.

"No, no it's okay…you can sign." 

[Sorry.] 

Mindney cradled his face, laying a soft kiss onto his forehead. "There's absolutely nothing to be sorry about, Goobs"

[Dont call me that…]

"oh yea....you don'tlike that"

Freemind was silent.

[Say it again.]

"....goobs"

"g-" Freemind tried to speak, "g...goo..b," He smiled slightly, "dumb."

"Pfft yea its dumb as hell...I just say it to annoy you."

Freemind let out a small chuckle, "okay- barnboo"

"Oh you got to be shitting me! That's worse than goobs! WAYYYY worse!"

Freemind laughed, the laugh turning back into sobs, "What the fuck- what the fuck…."

"Babe?"

Freemind was silent again, his breathing heavy. Everything was spinning. He tried to focus on the warmth of mindney, who was now leaning on him, but instead came up with memories of what happened those 2 weeks ago. The escape was probably one of the worst parts. Leaving all those corpses behind- not knowing who or what they belonged to. He tried to tell himself that they all would've died anyways, nature was just doing its course. But it wasn't enough. All of those innocent people were ashes now in the New Mexico dessert. The only thing that belongs there is old atari E.T cartridges, not people. He remembered thinking Mindney was most likely one of those ash piles. Lifeless, dry and being blown away by the brisk wind. He couldn't really imagine what he'd do without mindney. He knows it's stupid to depend on people. He had himself to depend on! But- mindney knew him. Mindney cracked him open like a walnut. It takes one asshole to break another asshole. Nobody had really done that before, or even bothered to care. Everyone knew Mindney was a man with a mission, even if that mission is just to get a kiss with the bi-curious narcissistic stuck up, drunk or sober. Drunk was definitely not a surprise- until freemind later learned that he was completely sober and wasn't even fulfilling a bet from Collete. 

Freemind looked up at mindney, trying to smile as he looked into his eyes. They were concerned, but still their familiar earthy mix. Tears kept falling down his face as he tucked himself more into the comfort of his knees and Mindney's lean.   
"I love you y-you know. even if I dont show it enough." He mumbled

"I know."

Freemind sniffled, "Are you just quoting star wars on me?"

"You really don't know how to take it in, do you?" Mindney chucked.

Freemind scoffed, wiping the snot from his nose, "Shut up asshole, at least I know how to be heartfelt."

"Ehh you're getting better I think," he sighed

Mindney's hand reached over and cradled the side of his partner's face, the other hand following soon after.

"I want you to look at me."

Freemind turned red.

"I'm- im looking."

Mindney moved his face closer, "No matter what the fuck is happening in that small skull of yours, I want you to know that I care. I care about you. I care about you and your stupid ass face and your dumbass thoughts. I will never get tired of you never shutting up and I want you to remember that. I know we've been through hell but we'll get through it. God that was fucking sappy if you ever remind me of how sappy this was I will litterly run you over with a steam roller."

Mindney pulled him in, both their lips touching and uniting. It all felt focused for once. Everything that was racing around them had come to a shrieking halt right then and there. A tear fell into freemind's lap. He didn't want it to end. He didn't want to go back. He didn't want to go outside and see that sky turn black. It was stupid. He was supposed to be the tough hero but here he was, scared of the unknown and a few little headcrabs. He didn't want to repeat black mesa. He didn't want to repeat what happened back in Washington. He didn't want to repeat what happened back in high school. He didn't want mindney to have to see him do it again. Blood on his hands and on his face. Caked in the stuff and shaking from adrenaline. Wondering how he got here and how he let himself do this. 

Mindney let go of the kiss to embrace Gordon, letting him rest his head on his shoulder. The tears fell down Mindney's bare back as he dug himself deeper into the crook of his partner's neck. 

"I can hear him…..barney….barney I can hear him."

Mindney held him tighter as tears began to swell from his eyes as well. 

"Don't listen to him. He's just a stupid telemarketer."

Freemind shook as he began to fiddle with Mindney's hair, "He's so loud. I hate him. I hate him so much. I want to kill him. I wish I could kill him. I want to make him hurt. I want him to get out of my head."

"Shhh….he doesn't know what he's talking about. We'll get through this shit. Its just like a video game. Mario jumps around, kills shit and then gets laid. I won't let him fuck up our night" 

Freemind sniffled, slowly sitting up to hold Mindney's face. 

"I- I cant see your whole face. I want to see your face again. I can't. Please I dont want this anymore I want to see all of you again."

Mindney was silent. He had done a fair job at trying not to think about what had happened to his partner…..physically. It looked horribly painful and made mindney feel sick to his stomach. It was all starting to sink in at this point. 

Mindney kissed the top of the scar, then down to his eye, and down to the cheek. 

"I want you to be able to see all of you."

Freemind was bawling at this point, tears and snot running down his pink face, his hair sticking up at all ends.

"Why are you so fucking nice? What did I do to deserve this? There's nothing I've done to deserve you!"

"You deserve happiness! God knows you've never gotten enough of it! Your life has been hell for fucking ever- and you're growing out of it. Your mother is far away from here. The past is far away from here! We are here and now. And now I will never let you go. Everything I said to you in this bathroom never leaves, okay?"

Freemind stayed silent for a minute, "You piss me off."

"oh come the fuck on Gordon I'm trying to make an effort here for your sorry ass." He took a cigarette and lighter from the pocket of his sweatpants and lit the end.

"Do you fuckin dream of smoking?"

"They're not pleasant dreams anymore, sadly. This is now just a one time cure."

Freemind tugged on his pants and tilted his face up towards his partner.

"ugh." Mindney groaned, "Fine."

He stuck the cigarette between freemind's lips and leaned back.

"Better me having it than you. You know what it's doing to you and your lungs. I don't want you to make it worse."

"Oh, what's this? You're caring about my health before yours?"

Freemind coughed, letting out a breath of smoke into the bathroom air, "You know, my mom was a heavy smoker. Smoked like a motherfucking chimney and I was her closest available ash tray. She sounded so….so...terrifying. Everytime she tried to speak to me it was like I was talking to a walking, dead-beat corpse. She couldn't stop. She knew what it was doing and she didn't stop. The bitch could barley get around our shitty apartment without wheezing. There was tar everywhere, I remember it somehow got in my room one time. I was scared that one day she'd finally drop that cigarette and just let it all burn. I would stay up thinking about that and what i'd do if it happened. The main thing is that no way would I let that whore be the death of me. No way would I die by a puny cigarette. One of my biggest fears is that I'll become that. Doing the same thing over and over until my lungs waste away, keeping people up at night. And….I'm scared it'll happen to you, too."

Mindney rubbed his partner's hand with his thumb. The room was silent.

Mindney got up from the bathtub. He shakily took out his lighter again and the rest of the cigarettes buried in his pocket. He picked up the trash can and threw in the cigarettes and lit them up.

"That's cute but you're going to set us all on fire."

"I'll throw you in first."

Freemind scoffed silently through the tears, "nerd. watching too many movies…."

"They're the only way I know how to properly communicate"

"They're not good teachers"

"Oh shut up, Goob" 

Freemind moved his hands off Mindney's face. "Like you said- what happens in this bathroom stays in this bathroom. This never happened"

He leaned down and kissed Mindney's top scars.

"A scar kiss for a scar kiss. God that was sappy just kill me."

Mindney teared up, "Glad you got used to them…"

"Don't worry, I've moved way past that I don't give 2 shits. Also. Are you going to take care of that fire or is the plan to kill us both?"

"both. our bones will fit together nicely."


End file.
